The Covid Marshal:a coronavirus western
For many days I have been trying to figure out why the idea of Boris Johnson’s Covid marshals is indeed inherently hilarious. At first it was the picture of these enforcers of wellness guidelines as the contemporary equivalent of Dad’s Army’s Air Raid Warden Hodges. However, on further consideration, it is the grandiose title,”marshal”.
Illegal Gathering at the OK Corral somehow just does not have the same ring to it, but perhaps the plotline might be similarly striking. Wyatt Earp and his brothers stride outside to split up a picnic for eight. Keep your palms whereI can see ’em. Don’t even think about reaching for the rosé.”
You might laugh (I would love it if you did, that’s the stage ) but I’m secretly thrilled at the prospect of a new age of Covid westerns.
Obviously we need a snappier name
— something like Covid Marshal:
10 an Hour.I had thought of Covid Marshal: Enforcing Guidelines in a Friendly Manner but I fear it lacks dramatic tension. Obviously, there’ll be a whole supporting cast: the Covid marshal’s spouse; the Covid marshal’s snitch at number 17; the Covid marshal’s comedy sidekick.
Incidentally, higher Noon could totally work as a Covid western. If you are still here when they reach town,there’ll be seven you at precisely the exact same place.”
For those who never watched this epic poem, it centres ona marshal’s only stand against the gang who have come to kill him on the day that he is due to marry and leave town with his pacifist wife. Marshal Kane refuses to flee even if his pleas to the townsfolk to endure with him are rebuffed. Rather than doing the obvious thing, leaving the callously ungrateful town to its fate, he remains and fights. I guess the Covid marshal would not stand and fight, but then the Covid marshal won’t be performed with Gary Cooper.
The new version practically writes itself. “OK folks, the Miller gang are havinga tea party in the village hall. I want five deputies to ride over with me and split it up. Obviously, we have to go in different cars but don’t forget your masks”
“Gee I would like to assist, marshal, however, the Miller gang perform fantastic brownies and his son was a finalist on Bake Off, there is bound to be a carrot cake. We can’t risk it.”
“Listen, goddammit, there is a virus on the market. If we stand together, we could stop it.”
“If we encounter, can we maintain the cakes, marshal?”
“I’m sorry, we can only ask them to disperse.
His wife has begged him not to visit the village hall. “I know these people, they’ll throw me out of this book club.” Buta Covid marshal’s gotta do whata Covid marshal’s gotta do. The mood turns ugly.
He’s badly outnumbered but in the last minute his gluten-intolerant spouse dashes into snatch the cakes.
In a second episode, we see the marshal standing at the town limits to greeta gang of rowdy kids heading right into Costa Coffee. “Can you find the signal, children? No more than six people together and I’m counting, oh, at least eight of you.”
“But these two are just 11.” “Gee. I’m sorry, boys, but you
Ain’t in Scotland now.”
Elsewhere, the Covid marshal places several men with firearms; though unarmed and outnumbered, he doggedly stalks them down, monitoring them to their lair. But at a shock twist they turn out to be grouse hunters and so havea permitted exemption. Thankfully, on the way home he grabs some animal rights protesters and a household of five who invited both grandparents to supper.
Too tired to walk further, he predicts an Uber to take him home. “I am from masks. This taxi ain’t large enough for the both of us”
I like Tim Harford’s writing style and I enjoy the subject matter (“Statistics, lies along with the virus: Tim Harford’s five lessons from a pandemic”, September 12/13) — hence, I’m prone to believe what he writes. That’s another bias I’ll have to be skeptical of. Binno de Bray via FT.com
@AlexanderSmith September 11 That is the lockdown ice-cream van featureI didn’t realiseI had been waiting for all this time
An extraordinary account (“Bankruptcy, prison, destroyed lives: within the Post Office scandal”, September 12/13) about how insufficient responsibility and controls may create a great miscarriage of justice. There needs to be more publicity about this situation — once you find the type of publicity that UK banks got on PPI, this is much worse. Thanks for this comprehensive piece of work. HC2 via FT.com
Re”Charles Dance:’I am not a movie star, I’ma working actor”’ (September 12/13). I’d always had him down as a”bit lightweight”. Then I saw him in the BBC’s Bleak House — just then didI realise how wrong I was and how he was one of the primary actors of his generation. Etoilebrilliant through FT.com The core concept of populism in most of its forms is that a rejection of sophistication — hence the frequent appeals to common sense. But policy is complicated. So populist policy is almost a contradiction in terms.
Exercising is the last thing most populists want to perform. As they come to power, they mostly attempt to make sideshows and concentrate on destroying institutional stability to prevent anyone else exercising power in the future. So populism leads to a vacuum in political ability,which enhances the power of their non-political resources of electricity.
Gerard through FT.com